It’s crazy how one year flies. And then another year and another and another until I can’t even keep track of my age (I seriously had to subtract the year I was born from 2019 the other day). Today marks one year since I’ve moved to Namibia. I have the simultaneous notion that both so much and so little have happened; that I am so different and am so much the same. It’s quite the paradox.
In one of my care packages from my dad I received a music box with slips of inspirational quotes. One I recently picked stated, “You’re always one decision away from a totally different life”. And how true this is. I was looking at old post drafts and stumbled on the person I was not last year, but the year before that, when I was thinking of applying to the Peace Corps, a few months into my gap year. Just considering the change in my life’s trajectory from then to now really has shown me that at any point in my life, I really can change it. We’re not stuck where we are, though it sometimes seems like it. So here I was, 2 years ago:
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October 2017
A year ago today, I thought I would be in the UK right now, studying for a Masters in chemical engineering at Cambridge. I thought I’d be sitting in St. John’s college library or at a cafe, drinking a latte, studying for my finals in muggy weather. I could picture it perfectly.
It’s funny how quickly our thoughts for the future can change, and how decisions we don’t even realize in the moment change our visions of the future drastically. Most people might not think like this. I don’t know. Since my head is always on Cloud 9, in some daydream, I spend a lot of my life thinking ahead (practicing being present though–it’s a process).
365 days later, where do I find myself? In the place I thought I never would: Pagosa Springs. All the words and thoughts I have to now eat: “I would never live in Pagosa again”, “Oh ‘so-and-so’? She got stuck in Pagosa”, “I guess it’s pretty but no place to live when you’re young.” Wow. I knew nothing when I said those things and I said them from places of judgment and fear. I guess it’s different when you’re faced with judging yourself (you tend to be nicer). Anyway, I am in Pagosa, and I am truly glad for it. Sure, it’s not Cambridge, but it’s also not dreary. It’s not an international hub where something happens everyday, but it is quiet, close-knit and everyone knows who my parents are. I love the snow and have been excited for it for the first time in my life (maybe that’s why there hasn’t been any). I get to work for my parents, giving them time off to go see their new granddaughter. I am content with the little things and am so grateful.
Anyway, tangent aside, my new daydreams are taking such a different shape. I blame (or thank?) the Camino. So many doors have opened to opportunities I never even dreamed about: teaching at a STEAM (science, tech, eng, art, math) camp in China in January, substituting at the middle school and high school, living with a French family to tutor English for 2 months, and hiking to as many beautiful places as I can in the summer. And then…drum roll…Namibia. For 27 months. Teaching science as a Peace Corps volunteer. I brushed off the Peace Corps as something that “sounded cool, but wouldn’t fit into my life”. Then I questioned that assumption. Why wouldn’t it fit? I would tell myself, well, “You’re not that person.”
That person? Who is that person?
Last week, when I was struggling to decide what I really wanted in my life (the never-ending struggle), I stumbled on Ruth Chang’s “How to Make Hard Choices”. Highly recommend. I’ve never thought about decisions in her way–instead of pros/cons lists and asking endless advice from friends/family that will give you loving, but too much, advice, she suggests that we have a misconception of choice. We conceive a choice as having a right option, and a wrong option; or, a good option, but also a better option. She argues that this isn’t the case. Difficult choices can’t be compared. Chang sees the issue as one over values: “We unwittingly assume that values like justice, beauty, kindness, are akin to scientific quantities, like length, mass and weight”. We (and especially us science types) try to quantify our values, so we can compare them and decide scientifically and logically which is “right” or the “best”. But we can’t quantify values or how much we want to invest in a value. This totally resonates with me. Later on, here’s what hooked me: “When we create reasons for ourselves to become this kind of person rather than that, we wholeheartedly become the people that we are. You might say that we become the authors of our own lives.”
We decide who we are. When I tell myself, “I’m not that person,” I make a decision. I create a reason for myself not to become a certain way. Most of my life, I convinced myself that I wasn’t fun, or adventurous, or creative. I couldn’t just go on a trip or write a blog. And then I did. I went on a lot of trips. I started writing. I started taking pictures. I did things I’m still surprised I did. Sure, I didn’t show anyone anything, but I wasn’t doing things for anyone. I gained confidence. I decided who I wanted to be and went toward that vision. That’s why I’ve felt so at peace, even in Pagosa. I’m living a wholehearted life. I’m being truthful to myself. So, yes, my choice between grad school and volunteering/traveling/teaching was a difficult one. But the more I reflected on my values, and my talents, I realized I was following a path that wasn’t wholeheartedly me. Yes, I would have been fine in grad school; my discipline, my curiosity would have carried me through. Sure, I would have landed a nice, well-paying, consistent job. But I wouldn’t be as happy, content, or grateful as I am now, working at the hotel, reading and writing and meeting new people, surrounding myself with natural beauty. What’s more, I travel, I explore everyday, and my adventures aren’t ending.
365 days ago, I would have told myself, “You’re not brave. You’re safe. You’re consistent.” Courage, caution, and consistency: three important values. Values I unconsciously made choices around. I “weighed” caution and consistency as worth more than courage, until I realized I wanted to live a life wholeheartedly in a different direction. Which needed a lot more courage than I realized. We’ll see where my choices take me in the next few years. I’m scared, I’m afraid I’ll be missing out, ruining my career, and a million other things. But deep down, I think I’m more afraid of not taking these chances now. It will be much harder to do the Peace Corps “later” than grad school, I know that one for sure.
So even though most people look at me oddly when they ask what degree I graduated with and see me at the hotel, or subsititute teaching, or so-called doing “nothing”, I can’t help but feel like I figured something out in life that they haven’t quite yet.
I’m excited for the next 365 days and not knowing what they’ll hold or look like. I won’t get bored of these daydreams.
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Now I want to parallel these reflections with where my thoughts are today, roughly two years later, and now 365 days after moving to a new country.
How do I feel so far about 2019 and the life I’ve lived in the blip that is 365 days? Mostly, great. Mostly, content. Sometimes, exasperated. Sometimes, listless. Never, regretful. Why would I regret a life I’m wholeheartedly making for myself? A life that is “one decision away” from a totally different one? It feels surreal that I’ve now been in Namibia for 365 days. Time may be constant, but it is also relative. And living in a new country makes time fly. Every day there’s a new friend, tradition, or obstacle to keep me on my toes. In a way I love. I love waking up expecting something unexpected to happen. Sure, sometimes I don’t understand a person, I have a tense/awkward conversation, I can’t explain a piece of my culture, I present America in an inaccurate way, I tell an entire class the wrong thing, blah, blah, blah… Life isn’t perfect. Or predictable. And that’s why it’s fun. Plus for as many bad days that I live through come the good days, the ones where I understand new Sifwe words at the water pump, I learn how to make mulch for our garden, my learners laugh at one of my jokes, I spot a lilac-breasted roller frolicking around the house… There’s ups and downs in life, no matter where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing.
Looking ahead to another 365 days, I will be finishing up my time here. I think I know what that will look like, but you really don’t know what can happen at any moment (not to sound too dramatic). Then I’ll be facing another year full of unknowns. And since my head is still usually on Cloud 9, I’ll be mulling over lots of potential options for after PC. What’s next? Expect it to be unexpected. I can’t sit still for long.
I hope this also makes you think of your last 365. Normally we usually think of it at the end of the calendar year, but why should we wait for an obscure date on the calendar or an advertisement to tell us when to make a resolution? Or for a whole 365 days to pass at all to change something we don’t like? Just like my dad indirectly advised me, we’re just one decision away from an entirely different version of ourselves and lives.
**By the way, miss you all! I won’t be in town for awhile so no pictures. But be excited because I’ve done some fun things, ranging from welcoming the birds and warm weather back to swimming to the edge of the biggest waterfall in the world… Talk soon!