Fully Committed

This may sound bad (feel free to judge) but I didn’t start the school year 100% committed. I have a few theories why.

My whole life I’ve over committed, which I balanced (almost) all the way through college. When I finally reached my breaking point, part of me just stopped caring. I guess I went from over obsessing to verging on non chalant, in almost every aspect of my life. Outwardly I think I’ve hid that, but I know when I’m not trying my hardest. I think though that this was a needed shift on my life outlook, because I was too “on”, all the time. I didn’t take the time for self care. Now coming off of December (and a gap year), I really emphasized and prioritized my self care. Which was awesome. In these last few years of my life, I know so much more about myself and my triggers and fears and insecurities and hopes and passions and dreams. But since college I’ve been afraid of any full commitments. I’ve been afraid of getting caught in that loop, of caring so much about being what I think the outside world wants to see in a person. So I’ve flitted around the globe. And there’s nothing wrong with that, I’ve been happier than I’ve ever been, it’s just been easy not to commit, not to have responsibilities.

That’s still the mindset I had my first 6 months here. Like I mentioned, it’s both a long and short time. On rough days, it’s hard imagine getting through it. And one way to cope with that is with distractions, with not giving 100% and just letting time flow by. It’s ironic because giving 100% will make time fly by even faster (thinking back to those crazy 19 credit hour–track season in full swing–lab research semesters in college and how they finished in a blink). Plus, I’ve forgotten how much fun giving everything, being fully committed, is. It gives such a sense of purpose.

And I’ve been thinking ahead in order to see how I want to look back. What do I want to say about these 2 years? To remember? How do I want to feel? Maya Angelou said,

“People will forget what you say, people will forget what you do, but people will never forget the way you made them feel.”

My learners will probably forget how to find limits of accuracy in a few years (if not a few weeks), they will forget my accent, they will forget my mistakes. What they will remember is how I treated them. Will they remember me as believing in them? Pushing them? Caring about them? That’s how I want to be remembered. Even if that never shows up on paper or on a resume, if I can make a good imprint on any of my 170 learners’ memories, I think that matters. I think that’s worth it. And with that, you can tell when someone else cares. When someone is giving it their all. And that’s what I want to show my learners. I am literally here for them and they are my priority. And I was scared to admit that, to buy in? Why?

Another reason is because then there’s no scapegoat. If I give my 100%, and make no difference and see no improvement and get through to no one, I can’t say, well it’s because I could’ve gone to afternoon study, or I should’ve had tutor sessions, or collaborated with others. If I’m already doing all that and I fail, it’s all on me. That’s daunting.

And illogical.

Because if I truly am committed, if I truly do care, there’s no way that won’t help someone in some form. I think it’s worth saying that that person can be myself as well. One of the best pieces of advice I got at PC staging (the day I had in D.C. before I left) was that Peace Corps is worth it even if you improve the life of only one person. And that person can be yourself. That’s ok. Because, when I’m happy and content with my life, it’s so much easier to share that and to have the energy to help others. If we all do what we care about, the world would be a happier place.

Yet another reason for being noncomittal is the fear of burning out. Which is funny, because I’ve never come close to my breaking point. It’s just another voice in the back of my head. Like I said, I know stress, and I know my coping mechanisms (negative and positive–both deal with food…).

Just recognizing these reasons and fears the past few weeks has already made them seem irrational, or at least manageable. So I’m ready to buy in, to commit to showing these learners that I really care. Because if I don’t do that now suddenly another 6 months will go by and another and another and then it’ll be too little too late. So maybe if I dive in now, they can remember me as a positive influence, as someone who had faith in them and wanted them to succeed.

I also recognize that more time doesn’t always mean more success or greater efficiency. There is a balance. Keeping that in mind, I’ve recognized that the 7am-1pm school day does not provide enough time for me and my learners. I’m starting to go to the staff room for daily afternoon and evening study sessions and additional afternoons to teach my higher level learners. Even if I’m not teaching, I want to be available for any help or questions. When there aren’t any, I get to lesson plan or grade. Which is better than doing it at home! Just by being around the school more these last few weeks I’ve already seen progress in a few learners and have had more participation in class. I’ve also started getting grade 12s coming for help in math and English which is really fun! One-on-one is so so much better. Those have been my favorite PC moments so far: that look on a learner’s face when something clicks. Or they just understand my accent. Baby steps.

All that being said, exams are around the corner for Term 1! We’ll see how they do. I wrote the exam for this term; Term 2 exams are written by the circuit; Term 3 exams are written by the region (or nationally next year when my learners are in Grade 12). I had to rush through my last few lessons to cover all my topics, but I’m excited to get some results. I already know a lot of things I can do to teach more effectively next term, but numbers and stats will be nice to look at, too (that’s the engineering side of me. Maybe I’ll even make a MATLAB script.) And I’m excited to be better and be more committed during Term 2 and the rest to follow!

I’ve slacked on the pictures… (don’t worry, the next post will make up for that! Lots of adventures on the horizon…)

Backyard views

I miss Thai food so much. My mom sent my Thai curry paste and Thai tea so I can try to emulate my favorite dishes. I can’t. But the attempts still hit the spot!

I wonder what he looks like as a butterfly…

I’ve been slacking on my morning walks. Evenings still put on a good show though!

Finally got some letters successfully! And a picture puzzle (thanks Ciocia Miecia!) And lots of love. Miss everyone ♡

Breakfast for lunch Friday after a long week after school

Made roasted veggies, mashed potatoes with bechamel, and homemade bread with a lemon-carraway butter. Yum. (Also I love purple foods. Just think about it. They all taste so delicious: roasted eggplant and red cabbage here, but also blackberries, beets, plums, grapes, pomegranates, red onions…don’t fight me on some of those not being purple–close enough!)